hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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