I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
