When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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