SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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