I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
