He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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