I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just want to make out with him forever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
