Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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