i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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