The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
nutella sex= disaster
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
