If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
