I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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