Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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