you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
