i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
