Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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