oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
