I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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