i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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