we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
