her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
