Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
And then he peed in my hair
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