I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
