hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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