I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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