Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
