Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
