ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
