Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
