He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
