I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
