I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
