I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
