Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
