Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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