You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Randomize
