Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
