I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
