did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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