im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
