Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
