Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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