...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
