oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You are a genius and a whore.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
