you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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