How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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