i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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