You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
