My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
