I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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