like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Text me some of your sweat
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
