that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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